2006.4. My father has went bad; less than a year he has had problems of things coming out too fast, and now he has went worse. It's taxing for him to meet people, and (maybe more so) in my case his (lower) stomach reacts that's weak already, so it seems he hasn't been meeting me and other people much also because of that (his daughter has seen him likely many times a week, working there near, visiting often). So, things are bad. Just too bad that my recovery to this point took so long (it has again got a bit better), did not get time with them, and now they are like gone, as well as everything else in my life, including mine, together with sort of not being from the Earth (at the moment), so to say, there just being the rest of the life to recover and live like a tourist, and waiting the middle age to hit completely in on the look too, and then waiting the rest of the life getting to the end, from more or less part a tourist like style of life. Much everything has kind of disappeared, and that place is what's left, just being, some doings. The old is not there, this being new. I see my future in more details too, living it like that and what's left of my time in this life. Already having a new personality (Sensor, SeF with NeT, likely ESFP), so the old me too is dead, and this new is a type of tourist, Se, all outside and sensor, and it will face life and get more content, while it though will remain in a category of its own, and about all that mind and personality past as a Seeker is gone, there being now this "earthly" Se-seeker/being, here and around. It being now about the state of being and the place.

2006.5. Soon I seem to have been losing the fancy of tourism, leaving only being; simple life, doing nothing much, some doings, recovering, growing older and then die. Next life, but there's nothing either, outside of the state of being. That though was so in-between mental action (NT) and being, SF, that's the place of misery, up (down) to depression, and meaninglessness; action being more or less bliss, and the state of SF being more or less bliss, existence being more or less bliss. The relative amounts of meaninglessness, emptiness, have been on the side of life now for 2-3 months; the f-emptiness that one could see outside (and inside) has been more (or now the outer space f-emptiness doesn't seem to be there anymore) replaced by the quality of life in that same space (the usual, things getting nirvanic, though it's still one month to one year - 6/2005 - though I got f-problems in 12/2005 already. The Sun of W&C in 1994 became nirvanic I think just at the same time the W&C became permanent, in about eight months). Things are though fluctuating and when in company and then alone, I can feel lonely, but then it goes again and doesn't seem to be a problem in SF (bliss, nor in action - NT), though I can never be sure if it can pop-up in a longer no-action or no/less bliss. Though the less realistic fancy is not there anymore, tourism (in my city too) I would still be happy to do if I just would be recovered enough, it being just fantastic to be alive so to say, but at the moment it's too limited. Months ago I had a thought that parents are just other people, and at the moment it seems it has more or less become so; I see them more as other people, not so close like parents anymore, but again, this is now - and not at "NF" so to say - and things are fluctuating, tougher to know so fast what the truth will finally be, though I tend to trust quite a bit to logic (rates to be correct in the middle of what the emotions are saying, though only when one is pretty sure one should do what the logic is saying, while in cases like my recovery and the eternity, I put a lot of weight to what my bliss is telling me, while it's not against what the logic is saying, but about my future mental form, in that case only the bliss is correct, or I feel strongly that that's my place now, no matter what the mind would like), and the logic has that view, parents being just other people, though there's an emotional foundation somewhere (at the baby level or so). I still don't like getting older, though I can see I can likely make it but it might not be something I like, though if being OK and in SF-bliss, it would be OK, the meaning of life being in being perfect (actively unloaded) now and getting perfect (loads down), and enjoying the bliss of life. It's just that the loads are not decreasing fast enough and there not being any guarantee that they will decrease enough even during the next 10 (and many years have gone already before that, though lesser ones but things haven't progressed so well during the last year either, though the balance is now different, and the emotional side being crossed, but those are other matters) or more years.

The bliss that's around here has some similarity to the bliss of the Brahma year (in 1996-7). During the deeper emptiness there was major noticeable bliss in any small action only, while around here the bliss is at SF, so all-around that there's less (if any) noticeable bliss in (small) actions (here, now it's the joy of being, living or the joy in this sort of brahmanic world, not so in any f-action). This bliss of course will have its 'end' as everything becomes nirvanic (the nirvanas too), and I expect it to happen after this (2006) year, and have an idea from my other experiences of what the world is then like, but it will again change my views and can't say it won't be some misery of meaninglessness or something, or likely not something as nothing might be left but meaninglessness (or the up to universal loneliness can hit too), and as I see now the only meaning left is the perfections, but I will not be that well in 2007 so some hard times can be ahead, or as with the Brahma Awareness things can be good even years after the bliss has become nirvanic, hopefully giving me more time to recover and then face the more harder reality, or it will possibly be supporting enough (the base remains) but no major brahmanic bliss.

2006.5. SF as dominant is what no-suffering is; emotions here and now - existence is bliss. ESFP has thoughts somewhere else (NT), while the feelings are now and here, SF. The ST (as dominant) has thinking here and now and feelings somewhere else (NF; so, often sad in the heart, as it's [nf-]desire in the heart that makes one happy/unhappy, more so when the existential SF-bliss is more or less missing, as it generally might be in the nf-mode, and when one is loaded more or less blind. It's though possible or likely can be that any Sensor can achieve existential bliss by unloading the active loads, while for the N-dominants it's a bigger step, more depression in-between). Only the dominant (when more or less loaded on the x-mind - work memory and visual - by [NT], less bliss, till unhappy) SF qualifies as no-suffering (Gautama Buddha) as a state of being, existence, that has no needs to fulfill to be happy (other than it has needs to be around, to move around, while it though can just be around too, but it seems to be connected to moving around, from NeT with SeFi, not as an effort but as bliss, SF). This has become my way and my meaning of life (together with perfection - loads etc.), something immortal, all else dying while here there's nothing to lose,

One just needs to handle loses and the end of (this) life, and think when and how to die, and where (weather etc., language, religion) - to be likely born near, though not all that likely if one is a Kundalini awakened as it's about the numbers too, together with the fitting people and personalities (father's, mother's or/and a combination) and their loads, (they will be somewhat close 'relatives', though still just other people), logically the nearest with a baby body ready (perhaps when it has not become an individual yet, before the three months or something) to receive a mind, memory, through/in awareness all-pervading. If no fitting womb is ready on this planet, it's the next planet, but as it's on the same evolution step, it might not be better, and the choice is then whatever it happens to be; it's easier to be a normal human here, as if there would be for sure enough Kundalini awakened people, many of them would have bigger loads - and then being felt in the fingers might be more common knowledge, and then there's the Kundalini felt in the brain, in case that matters, not that common knowledge. Many things rate to have to be fitting, though the Laws might not be so choosy in more rare cases.

and happiness being here. As an ESFP the thoughts are out there, the awareness, consciousness is out there to put it more exact, all lights (awareness, consciousness) being out, all existence being out (Se, Ne) and it happens with thinking (Ti) but dominated by feeling (SeFi) that's bliss. Because of that stuff like tourism comes naturally. The sensitivity to e.g. landscapes, pictures, art as SeFi (rather than NeFi) rates to be the most sensitive and clear of all types, a part of the bliss. One just needs to take care not to load - active load - oneself too much as then one needs to keep doing more about the round of major unloading (a day, a week, and more), that has more or less depression in-between. The end goal is to get rid of all load; being at deeper balance is both a way to it and the state of being like there already.

2006.6. Life is mainly about good life. Growing older is a part of life, nothing rates to be wrong about it, and the f-mind seems to be getting more used to it, accepting it so. It's an endless life where one aims to make one's life now and for the future as good as possible, and that's a part of life understanding of what makes one's life on average as good as possible, while even with lesser, if things are fine, life is worth it and can be good, it just could be better still. It's an eternal life with a growing older piece added to it, and one can feel it fine, it being about the eternal now and watching one growing older as well, it comes and goes, and can be even fun as it's just age, with some psychological changes too, sort of a movie, no different from an illusion that's real, almost a joke (as long as there's not too much pain). One needs to accept one more thing if not included already (not counting sickness, while one does not necessarily need to live in it when it's about old age for example) and that's the death,

I felt, found, saw some fear of death, it being somewhere in the horror feelings of some worst loses (feelings correlating to a thought) now that dying is so close/realistic and at the moment not feeling comfortable about seeing/planning one's death. I think that as there is the eternal state and the logic of what life is, it should not be there, that there is a mistake in thought/feeling somewhere, while it's also about getting used to it. And one is not forced to stay all the way to the end if it's not worth staying around anymore, and after that all is well, that much is sure if one has secured one's future well enough, so the main thing should be the horror parts of living, while that should not be there much either if one is well enough, the base life being comfortable and happy enough.

it being a part of life as well and a part (together with good life now and in the future) of taking into count when making one's life good. STs can be more here and now as their thoughts are here, so it's like still, nothing (N with the T) moving, while no Ne means no open window (then too one is in one way more here, while being around one is also here as a sensor more so I suppose, so this needs to be seen as the same words are about many meanings). Emotions are something that react to everything, giving their feels to whatever one is thinking about, the base being in thoughts (including personal - and/with Deity - desires), and on the other end ('unconscious') in the past and collective (society) thoughts as forms of emotions, and then there is and inner aim to gain balance in there, even if it needs the nature to cheat the person about the facts (mostly it's about getting it up to date - age and understanding) while what is a fact is a part of the conditionings, the only really real thing being only about the balance, the eternal and good state, that being the only fact that really matters, all else being relative.

2006.6. Now my father is permanently in a hospital as the cancer takes the muscle powers away; if he falls down he won't have strength to get up (that happened three months ago, two months before that I saw him the last time). It's tough to move in his home with a wheel helper (if it would not be in this case, they would have not taken him to the hospital yet but kept him at home). No pains, and it's said he is taking his situation and the death well. My mother had also operations on about the same area, things were removed, and it got infected, so she's taking few weeks recovery. Has also weakness on muscle power as also not moving enough; she said it's hot for him when the weather is like 23C (at least) (plus the sun). Not typical for her as she always used to like summer and warm (she often had cold), but her legs are getting big from the heat. And he is weak now too, though rate to get somewhat stronger soon. Sad things of them get into back of the mind when one does not think them, and then when one needs to deal with them it hits with the death things of life, on the same category as one's own getting older and the death, and all other horrors of life. Loneliness is one (in case of the emotional/social mind), and now my mother will be living alone after fifty one years living together, so it's at least a big change (she has depression now, nothing new though around these times, and seems she doesn't think it will get over, while I think it likely will, though she has had it already before I got mine, that's one part that effected me too), additionally that she has some pains from recovery (was fine after two weeks, though she is weak, gets some radiation too) after about all from down has been removed; a minor cancer. But all one can do is what one can do, while one maybe should be at ease with these things, take them logically, while we are all more or less slaves, getting older, problems, and we all will die. I know the depression is something likely to hit when things are over like in these cases. But I also know one should get strong to it with time, though I have the middle channel and my more enlightened nature, the eternity being one of the most important - matters the most at emotional level, especially when the social matters are not good. And what to be so depressed about when old; were these things not expected? What is the logical way to deal with them? This is what life is, and why one should be depressed, what does it help? Nothing non-expected, nothing wrong has happened. But I know at the end there rates to be depression. There's compassion, empathy towards others and oneself, and it figures (rate to must be) to be for information, not only the good Deity feelings. My mother is weak also because of not having to have moved enough, and she has had already floor swaying, swinging, like a sea, effecting balance naturally (it doesn't seem like there would be anything much that could be done about it, meaning she likely will have to live with it the rest of her life, effecting whenever she is moving any bit. It's an eyes and brain coordination problem in her case and she got something to practise on that area with the idea that the brain would learn to connect them again better by the power of practise - she's not motivated of doing those as she is depressed and doesn't believe they would be of any/enough help. So that's the end of it; she just sits in her room all day and watches TV and that's it till she dies some year. It seems she even can't wash her body because of the eye-brain problem and the lack of energy combined - she can't even change a video as she can't get up anymore if she goes that down, though not that the machine needs to be that down) and now she will be living alone, and for a start has pains from the cancer operation and the infection, though that's a passing thing, though the cancer could come back, but it doesn't look like it at this time. Father is in his state.

Is it really worth to be alive in those cases, like in the latter case, well he has no pains and is watching some football (the 2006), so one could just consider he is very weak and that's all, but he is not watching it much, too weak for that too. He's weakness also effects to things coming out too fast, while I don't know but can have some other things too. He has lost his fat, not eating much. They are there trying to get him to sit more, but at the time he seems to have given up, resulting as some sort of a depression, finally facing the end, meaning the no-hope, no better life of what one has there is that situation, and it's not getting better, and so one dies (and what one can go there to say, and he doesn't want to see many people, while at the moment the hospital person says he should see more people, though somewhat earlier it was that he should see about no people, but that was a moment of something it seems, but he is not seeing the point of it as an ISTJ). But I am not sure it's worth to be alive when things get that weak, though what life is, what one does in life? It's still life in spite of the difficulties and limitations, one being there as usual, just having some problems. Maybe the mother might be better in old people's house now that she's alone, though as long as she can manage in home, one generally stays in home, and I think people are kept at home as long as possible, though that might not be the best move, though depending of the type of place that old people's house or whatever is. Things would be more simple, more social, something worth being at rather than being alone and doing things more or less alone, though one might have a helper at home (up to a point or no often some relative though but I think there are some helps possible from the state as an alternative to not being at home). Should I be in a single people's home? Technically, I should be married.

My sister (not biological) (ISFJ) got a "burnout," been seeing our parents almost daily (and been there and with this situation more or less for a year, years from a lesser part), and went to Barcelona to a friend for ten days; comparing to SeFi, I might somewhat know the emotion type. She's the main person who meets her father, while now when she's resting it's mainly up to only my non-biological brother, who now too is visiting every day and brings newspapers to my father, as well as is calling to my mother every day as far as I figured it so. So, my father is seeing those two and additionally to my fathers's wife, and even his wife couldn't go today (my mother figures he isn't going to live to the end of the year). It sort of seems I will never see my (non-biological) father again, while my biological brother though just went to meet him, but my mother asked my father about who he would, additionally to her (and their own two children I suppose), like to see, of all, he mentioned only my mother's hairdresser, who they have known twenty years (I suppose he rates to be an interesting person to listen), saying that what does it help; he is having some depression now, and seeing that my mother's depression got more, that she says has been hit harder as that many things have happened at the same time. There's not really anything I can help or even say around these problems to them as the level of understanding is that different. I would actually prefer their situation over mine in case I would have recovered and being in their situation; I would likely be spiritually happy, that though doesn't mean I would still continue to live in my death bed for example. But I do understand those situations, and humans in those situations face something tougher, both as themselves and their relatives, and then their lifes have not been built for as much existential matters as my life has been.

2006.6. It's about one year from the Buddhist Enlightenment. Things are pretty stable, though I have been too much in the brain lately, but things are stable, being normal, being now a different person that's all, because of this new added opening, and then just had to deal and have to deal with the emotional and actually mental too (new views, new persona, new life, it all needing info and thinking [understanding], possibly even a new career, and a new future) stuff that's there. The feelings of heart guilt and/or related problems have been for a reason, not taking care of the social matters as I should have, and then one needs to take care of one's well being, that it's not a problem then on the area of social, life and death. But the situation has been what it has been. Just building now to what I have, to base to this new world that I now have. Should be doing more (all) rest but have been too much involved with a brain (need to keep the L6 load down for the R2 to recover) as so much things have been there to make clear, and right now as I have no time. I am aiming to achieve the final part of the recovery, though things are fine and balanced, stable, but the remaining part is a very mandatory and very important. There are also all kinds of time and work pressures, running out of time (have already) and would need to achieve this and that (additionally to doing this and that, while I should not be doing anything but resting, and not only my problems are there but other's as well, though I try not to get emotionally involved in them, be more smart about them instead) and go even up to some years of education ahead, but I have on majority decided to drop it; I am not going to get involved but to be more retired (there's just 15-20 years of work ahead and then live as long as things are good and it's still worth being alive). I am a burnout and that's it, and need now and even if I recover to give myself the possibility to be a sort of brainless, there being recovery and living with this new world, wondering middle age, on body and mind, and getting older and older, and live with the fact of death somewhere as something that's now there more or less everyday. Not that that's the life, but it's the "other" part of the life. There is recovery, getting better, the base of life in feeling good (existentially now, and preferably socially as well, and preferably about getting older and the death too), and some whatever doings one is doing. Basically everything that is against for staying in such a life and achieving such a life is wrong, though there's also e.g. the work, that often does not fit all that well into a formula of good life, that being one of the main problems one needs to deal with, to try to make it as good as one can.

There are important matters; good life (this new world), getting older and the death, the social matters - one needs to have at least some balance there between the brain and emotions, and that is achieved by L6 and R2 rest, then (additionally to this new world) the emotions will show their way, while that too need to be got in balance by new experience, reconditionings, brain too. There are those two more or less completely different brains or minds and I am still on the process of understanding the whole picture, as they are different and the views are different depending where on unload or action or personality one is at and how one comes to digest things and how well one understand them. The brain load vs. no brain load worlds even in this world that I am now in, but the life in this world is the important factor, under its views, rules, laws, and how it connects to other people is a part of the heart but it exists on the emotional mind side, while the mere world is about existing, being; different, and people are so different, and people are pretty much lacking time too, and as far as existing, being goes, social, being out/in there, living with someone and people, having children, doesn't from some points of view (balance, personality) seem all necessarily mandatory (but a part somewhere in the plans of live, for a complete perfect live, though there are other things that comes with them, but there is a complete pack of life created to cover them, while then there though is a possibility to go beyond of it, for the rest of the life for example - there is an eternity ahead, and like one has only something up to some age, so one might be able to take a bigger view too) though not any different, while with unloads, heart, many personalities, it's very much even the core, family and people, but as far as the mere existential world goes, it's a world to itself, as good as life can be under middle age, death, social problems, work; but there's at least one thing that is and can be good and it's this new world with its feeling good in there, and recovering. But there are formulas for a good life, it containing all kinds of things and what one should do about them. The base life is however in this new (for me) world.

I have mixed feelings of my existential life that's maybe near (the right place) to as happy as it ever gets (just adding the further recovery) and my social life that's basically unhappy, and the feelings related to getting older and the death, and at times to loneliness (social mode), though when somewhat on the brain it doesn't bother that much and in that case there are other interests, but at no-load mode maybe one can base life to that so much and social misery maybe should not be there all that much or at all, but it has some existential basis, just not sure what exactly, but it has some, and it might not be enough to just be in Eternity, but life is good there, but still, there are some other arguments, needing some care too.

I am happy in this new world but things on my social level are not what they should be, and I don't know what to do about getting older and the death than just live the best I can and have a possibility, base life more on the new world and balance, grow older and older and then die, but then again, it might not rate to be something major, as the other problems shouldn't rate to be, the base life being the major, and all the best life and the aim, the way as well as the goal, together with recovery, and everything else just happens, though need care too, and is whatever they happen to be around that, but one might not rate to be rooted in them. I think the new world as well as the recovery is the biggest thing that really matters, while one should put enough attention to other matters too, and they are not really out of the new world either, but should rate to be based on existential positive feelings rather than misery that's like the amount of addiction, that from existential part should rate to be there, but not as a too strong amount but just enough for information., though more it should rate to be the more the serious, more the 'bad' the situation is, even if strongly rooted in the new world. But then, what is bad? Things that looked so bad before, might not be all that bad really, so it more or less rates to be the fault of the person having them, not counting the distance to first times seeing them.

Counting out social matters for now, just taking more or less enough care of them, what is there in life except the Eternity and the recovery? There are some necessary things like work, growing older and the death. About growing older and the death, one can basically work only with the attitude, there not being anything one can do about them, there being only life that one can do something with, and life is based on three matter; the E/eternity together with the R/recovery, work and social matters. The work is not something spiritual, just something one needs to do, so one can count just the eternity, recovery and the social matters. Those three are important and basically nothing else matters other than something one must do to maintain economy, body, and about the death part of life; growing older and the death.

Shiva in case one uses the three in this sense; maintainer is the Vishnu, Brahma the creator, the one giving birth to life and things, though one could think it's the Brahma that's doing the work of Vishnu too, and one could think there's no Shiva either but it being the lack of Brahma, and so they are all contained in Brahma, and similarly many more pieces of Gods can be pointed out.

2006.6. Work as an ESFP. Whatever mode one is in, has its likings and dislikings, and those are connected to the abilities (the mode) too. I saw the outer life, the sensor life, and it's out (compared to INTP), to be mentioned again. With that I saw the geographical world (as well as the outer social life), and a flash before that the memory became something here, even when being in the memory, where ESFP though is not living in, his mind not being in memory, in N that is, and that I changed so by suppressing the Ni (and from awareness I had my extroverted attention like ENTP or more, though not as much as what I got from the drop of the dominant Ni with the Buddhist Enlightenment, while I was not an ENTP but an INTP with an extra outer awareness, Ni dominating, that though doesn't show how much NeT I have used in my life, it just being the Ni that has been even more dominating; I was a mental burnout, and still am as the recovery has not happened enough, though on balance level it has been complete years already), so that the attention does not automatically go to Ni, but when at rest (even in action) one stays naturally out of the Ni. As a science geography is too heavy (N) from a sensor point of view. Then I saw the mental practical (NeT) works of builders (e.g. houses) and mechanics; e.g. electricians (one may not get summer and part time jobs that one may prefer to have as an option. From the practical aspect this looks like this could be S-nf, like building work, but at least the idea of the type of work is in the right dimension), electronics

May need constant re-education and be computer work too, while electricians may not have such problems, but from the practical feel just might be more in the right inner direction compared to electricians, just the complete dimension is under suspect, and fits to other types too. At least where I am pointing here has value. Maybe it being good that one has here the net somewhere rather than the nef, as a better priority, as the practical aspect is not that much of an nf as it's about nt that always has the visual too somewhere, like the nef though too has but not with nt but with st that then as a sensor has the advantage of dominant thinking, something I am not too fancy of, just that it can be difficult to manage well without dominant thinking, but as I do not like the dominant T as I understand it, there just has to be a way to have the F and S as dominant but still manage with the nt, net, but I don't know.

photo, geography, tele communication (cables are heavy), heating, cold systems, air conditioning (starting from tele communication lines, the last ones rate to need size/power). Car mechanic (not a painter, of any kind as it [s-art] is for S-NFs, as seem to be food and somewhat clothes [I think it as NF/nf] industry, though for Si-NTs things can be different and I could see an ESFP in those industries too, but at the moment I am rating them as nf-feel and si-feel), any kind of a mechanics (not a house builder non-mental as it's for S-NF, and S-NT could get bored too, needing Se, not N-dominant, with NeT). One might see it as practical physics (Se-NeT, Sensoric technique. The other possibility being SeFi, that's a different story, having beauty, delight, the clearest SeFi truth, opening through delight other possibilities one would more or less prefer over mechanics, though not that NeT would be missing from those other choices either, it would more or less be working there too, it being the doer, the motive coming from the SeFi. It's also with the Se that's the most exroverted visually, and taken in primarily with the Fi, so that's as a whole ideally the main thing, the SeFi), but one is to note that sensors have a dislike to heavy theory or material (from the N point of view) and would not like to become an academic, though there are some where one may or may not be able to stay an Se and not an Ne that's dominantly in the mind (memory), living there, and it's not what one who is or/and aims to stay as much away from it as possible wants (Se is bliss, reality and health), the correct spot being Se (with NeT).

Some ESTP might find himself as e.g. archaeologist (or a doctor - with or without 'art' ability). The dominant NFs can be good at mental too but it figures they always get too overloaded, though not that the dominant NTs won't, and will not handle it as sharp or something as the NTs, they often just perform well, like 9-10s in school, but then when it comes to science, the world mainly for NTs as long as its not an NF world in case its tough, a double work using the NF for feels, and the assisted ST for thinking, where they would be smart to seek help from the NTs and have enough trust on them, as well as in areas the NTs should seek the views of NFs, like I did in Shri Mataji's case as my NT mind didn't seem to see the Deities etc. without it being pointed to me, and after that the NT mind made clarity there that is tough for the NF-mind to manage. Similarly dominant SFs use material from the dominant NTs, while not living there themselves.

A comparable example is a lawyer (a burn-out job) ISFJ. While the Ns have basically a disliking for stuffs like those, for non-N stuff, them being theoretical rather than practical. There are plenty of different jobs out there fitting to e.g. NeT's as sensors, e.g. I know two librarians and it seems to fit just fine. ESFP lives here and now, and there he is a NeT (in the S, Se world) and that's what he is, but as he is a sensor he is not a dominant N, though his mind (the thinking mind) is an N. And because the S is then forced to be connected to F, he is a dominant SF, and that's his home, especially when/if it's what one took in the first place, and then noticed like I did that one is a NeT, though I need the NeT for work, hobby and managing life on practical and emotional social level where being an F (NF) would leave one floating on/in the sea of emotions and not seeing the logic of it. There are other jobs as well but what seems to be one's job here is often on the area of mental practical, like mechanics, though they all prefer SF, SeFi, over anything else, but making a job out of it might become an NF? And it's the SF that the ESFP prefers, the NT mind in the world of the SeF just hangs there with SF, where the NeT makes the practical mental T stuffs, as a servant to SF, just maybe ending to be too mental (NT) as there's stuff to get clear, though I have my seeker past habit from INTP as well as overload (too much energy/power there), and the new world of ESFP needs some clarity.

Because of the new need as well as the habit (addictions, attitudes, conditionings, likings) I am often not recovering enough (from the loads) and not in the clearest ESFP mode like one is when actively clear deep enough, and that mode is the most clear of other than ESFP, while the works and doing often keep ESFPs in something closer to a NeT form, though as long as they don't get a habit of being in the N-world they stay as SFs, and it hangs there all the time as the world they are living in, and I suppose one should note the serving aspect of NT in this case, it being like a work to be done and not like a mode to be lived in. It's so different when the NT gets to dominate over the SF, being an ENTP instead, and in my case that happens often in non-clear state of ESFP, though it can be somewhat unclear when one is at it; it doesn't become ENTP that fast, but when it does, one needs to get back to the clear state by recovery (days or so when one is that close), while the ENTP is then more sensor clear though, but one is in the N-world, that's the opposite of the clear ESFP state, though when one has achieved the ESFP it doesn't seem to go completely when the N-mode is dominating, but I say one is not an ESFP then but an ENTP. The state is clear at ESFP, the views are different, the thinking is different, one is more out with awareness, the N is not limiting it. The ESFP state is not necessarily limiting the mental activity but it's not in the N and so there is a more basic likelihood that one will not be such a mental phenomenon. I have problems staying at ESFP, at the actively recovered state. I might consider N being an overload, over habit, and it being bad for one's body and S (includes the body), because of the non-clear state, and I figure the clear state to work better for recovery, while the N might block recovery from the loads parts as well as one rates to be in the state of mental that more or less prevents recovery that happens only when one is at rest and clear. The cost is big; one would need to know at least how to see the S-world and so not have it all away (getting e.g. ESFP in this life), and how to manage recovery (through the legs) when it's not given by nature; the N basically blocks it.

10.2006. Father died in 7.2006 (July). It seems one generally goes fast at least with cancer when one ends to the hospital. He knew he had that one year to live after the counter hormones stopped working, just some long shot hope of getting more time, but it didn't happen. He looked all that process of getting weaker and weaker during that last year. Mother has had her problems too; the happenings around here having been emotionally and physically hard for her, and to the top of that she has got weak; fallen down more badly twice, breaking her hand in 8.2006 and in 9.2006 fell down long stairs hitting her head all the way, back, but didn't broke any bones that time. In 10.2006 she is permanently in old peoples house, or that is a complete care place (I am not sure I will keep living all the way to the point where I will need something like that, and if I do, it's because there is something too much wrong in my body but I am fine otherwise). Has had some more problem(s) still, so that's old age and death.

I need to work too much at the moment, loading my loads (R2 and L6) and I have some (heat) problems on my liver or so because of the R2 load. If I would continue that long enough I would get worse and major problems would happen. Together with the back of the head load (I am not worried about that like I am worried about my liver, though I would be worried about my eyes if I would continue to use them too much) they are my weak points at old age and sooner. But at some point I am focusing on recovery, the first priority, after all the most important things are well.

What comes to E/enlightenments and all the spirituality and whatever I have been dealing with during my path, it has all come to an end with this last Enlightenment. With this last one one drops the mind (NT in my case), goes in to some sort of an NF, drops the NF and through all kinds of new personalities and views of life and death comes to the surface, to the S-world (Se or so) where the Buddha Land is, where things are clear, and no emotional worries of the NF-world (it's a problem to them as that's the only world they know and where they live at), no blindness of the NT on the top, just clarity and understanding when one is out of the N. All is over there, as well as one's life in a way, one's past personality - still hanging in there as a mind, decreasing past, but one is not in it, it just is still more and later less in one, in one's attitudes. Like a past addiction. The new mind is the one on the top now, and what it will become depends of what one does and what one takes into one's heart-mind, it being a new beginning.

The meaning of life, the goal of life (plus there are goals like E/enlightenments and getting rid of loads, but what finally is the meaning, the goal and what when that has been achieved) are simply the Deities here and now. One just starts (at this stage of achievement if not before) living right here and now with the Deities (grows older and dies). I have explained the Deities here and there, it's just clear science, and that's sort of (we also have our mind-life with all the stuff it does, that's not all base Deities, but that could be changed like any addiction) all there is, their will. Deities are the 'religion' and they do not belong to any one group with its associated personality and Xmind. Looking scientifically, with the T, the meaning can't be seen, life will be without meaning as the T can't see the meaning in feelings (I may call it "existence" at the S-world - the only perfect state of wisdom I know). There are things to understand and one personality can't see them all.