9/2011. A part of the days or more I smell/feel the smoking too, that figures to come from bad -60 ventilation, and the problem figures to get worse now that the weather gets colder as the smoker will not keep his window open as often if at all, so the smoking will be thin in my flat up to all the time, plus the "bad" smell of the floor or so. The noise problem is less and one could survive with ear protection if the smell problems wouldn't feel that bad and I feel partly sick because of them, not having seen many healthy days yet. I can keep the window open only during the nights. The bad ventilation - it seems I get dust twice as fast in this flat - is the "main" problem perhaps, counting out that the floor smells might keep me like sick as well as any people around my flat having serious health problems, like lung problems, it being felt like loads on fingers if one is not moving/doing, and I should do like nothing the majority of the time. I haven't noted problems when I am outside of this flat but I am moving there, and even when first time coming to this flat I was feeling it near outside already that this doesn't feel good - additionally the house itself has material smells that are bad. I try to observe those also at any potential place I might be moving in, and they differ, though I would take a newer flat from most places at this time. I don't currently have the heat spot problems of the red core flat, that seems to have been a combination of the red core and the flat's collective aura from people/person living around (up) there, plus my unload on the left and my personal hotter spots, that I otherwise won't feel and didn't feel at the white flat in spite of being hot from the left unload, and doesn't feel so far at this pink area in any significant amount (I might now find something but I might be getting some feel from memory instead). The air isn't good in this flat more than a part of the time; the other part of the time it seems there is constant smoking and it's basically all the time then. But then there are days when there isn't even the thin smoking air in the room, though some other problems like the flat's smell generally (especially if I take a note of it). I can still hope that (smoking) to change at least to minority, and it's a nice winter ahead; one can spend a lot of time outside - that was the nice thing about the previous flat also, and that people move mainly during the summer holidays, at least in Finland, so I was stuck and as I am not picking like any flat any time soon, I might be here a couple of years (and I have no major reason to show why I am moving as I can't prove anything to get a more healthy flat even if I would be somewhat sick here for years). As the worst case this flat won't be any better than the previous horrible one and could be worse as I might not get up to any healthy days here and still can't live without ear protection of some kind though it's possible to listen music and tv here during any time, that was possible only during nights in the red core place (in this current place even nights are unsure as most of my neighbours can be up any time even every other day that's sort of impossible but they do it, though so far more often than not they sleep during the nights, though up to every other night that could be after 2-3 am, and then they might go to sleep 10 pm the next day, that looks natural, though doesn't work in my case, and then they might wake up 4:30 am, while the one above might wake up during any time and go back to sleep in 30 minutes), but I wasn't sick there if not counting in the hot spots but keeping myself extra cool tended to keep those at minimum at least, though being at red core wasn't comfortable and was of some pressure and worse at that specific place, while in this place keeping myself at low won't help but makes things worse as the pack of problems is different. But maybe things get better at this flat (I will tape or so more and more textiles in front of/on/in the ventilation and open or close it more too, to see if I get less smoking in my flat and will continue like that till I find what gets rid of the smoking. If it's the ventilation, I will additionally report it to the company and will have it as one major reason why I want a new flat, though they should put that smoker to clean his air before it gets to ventilation, though no one will do a thing like that even when they should as it would need to be proven also and that's hard to do even with a meter and with high enough smoke levels and not just my nose - and ears etc. - and even if I could prove the air quality to be second rate they would say to open the window and even if I could prove it not be good either, there likely wouldn't be a law against bad ventilation and bad window ventilation when it comes to the -60 or any flat) or my body adjusts enough, and maybe I get a better flat in the near future, and the latest if I get recovered enough, I have a better shot at it in the UK, where I am hoping to get (technically too), though no sure thing but highly realistic if I get enough recovery and do some more preparations and more than one try if the first or the second doesn't work (after I might try to get in Italy or Malta just for the joke).
It has now become clear to me that the air quality is of up to a major importance, and that could also include the air outside. The flats below 2000 or so can have bad ventilation or just bad air quality coming from other flats, and from outside for one reason or the other, e.g. traffic, bad flat materials outside, smoking. To tape or so the ventilation with something seems to help about instantly, though I suspect placebo as my lungs were not burning that much and I was feeling the health effect of the more clean/clear air in my lungs similar to cool vibrations, and my lungs were feeling that much better and I wasn't feeling that much smoking in the air either, it having so got under the level causing health problems, that one might get from the flat's materials or through ventilation from where all kinds of things can come also from other bad airs, bugs, vibrations even, especially at these bad ventilation houses. One might use stuff people use at work and even on streets if the pollution of the air is that bad there, put a thing like that on ventilation (but having the ventilation more or less open), on window, on face, in/in nose. Even physically or/and psychologically sick people might get up to healthy by just having better air, and in cases a move to other places because of that or other weather or so reasons, could get one better and up to completely healthy from even being very sick. And if one has imagined the sickness (the unconscious/memory as well as the nf - and sf - does that, more in heavier cases, and it can take years to get basically "cured," depending of/on how heavy the x-problem was), one could imagine the cure also, and use any placebo stuffs. Some might get their systems more cleaned or so with like breathing more air in some of the time, but that's marginal if the lack or so is producing problems to some rare case. One could have some machine that cleans the air. Complete head cover that would give clean air, protect from noise and up to vibrations looks like the ideal solution to/for my case generally, and there are at least air tight systems one could get, with some price though and they are not against the noise and connecting wanted sounds in isn't easily there either.
It seems I will have to pick east London as my hobbies are mostly there, but London is a big place and maybe one gets a work from nearer than from the other side of London, that's a rather far away in my opinion and going through zone one is not necessarily the best option as it costs more (during busy hours at least) as well as might be slow too. I only know Greenwich, Bromley (safer lower/east side) and Bexley (maybe the second best pick for me and possibly the best if the Aura and e.g. air is better) as being fitting to me though it's not about such a name but where exactly it is at, and it matters to me if they are clear pink or not, as well as the costs and other feels can be factors, and not sure if it takes all that much longer with a train/metro (or car) from Bexley and Bromley, just that Greenwich is the most central to me at this time. Though I might be rather busy, just working and going to hobbies, the time spent at home limited mostly to sleeping, though during weekends and then on pension there might be some more time and I might need some rest too as my work figures physical as well as my main hobby and all I will be doing looks like working with the body and sleeping (that I might have to cut to six hours, that might be possible if the deep sleep increases. If the flat doesn't have a noise problem, in case it would be basically impossible to get even that much sleep without specific or so teddy bears or so that will not cut of the alarm clock or/and it needs to be super loud or some shaking or so alarm or some small [alarm] clock or so inside it or/and other ear protection system. One can also hope that the ears just might get stronger to handle up to the constant use of inner ear protection, though there are ear protection systems that would not be used that deep. Some sleeping pills also might help till one gets a more silent flat). Getting work somewhere nearer than from the other side of London shouldn't be an impossibility, though I might have to work at south or north-east, but then I do just that; at the worst I could die, so no big deal (I don't have that much to lose), but I don't see it that dangerous; one likely will survive. But I have to recover more and also technically get in London before I need to start to worry all about the details, though I might visit after many years to see what those areas are like before picking any though by just going I will have enough time to track places then too, and not sure how much freedom of picks I will have when starting there, but as soon as possible. To die on that side of the UK makes a rebirth e.g. in France more likely (that's not absolutely bad as I have half the hobbies in France too and they have warmer seas; just the language is secondary and it cuts on my hobbies too, and I want to have my life as I want to have it, that's best in the UK and the second best in an another English speaking country, my life often being at those too up to fully covered, that's just one more reason why I weight English more than before, though my this and next life pick as my doings, hobbies is the main reason, but it happens to go together with English as they have the most options for/to me and to others generally) than if one dies on the west side, but it seems at this time that I will die on the east side, and things do not often change that fast that I would pick the west side, until I change or pick a little bit differently of what I do, in case the west side would fit better, but at this time it doesn't look like to become the case, other than the possibility that I will die in some old people's house in west London, and so all in all, living in east London seems the best for me at this time.
I am thinking that maybe the UK is a bit too much work and intense as a pick and they do have a lack in weather though not being hot. I maybe should pick a less (physically but mentally too) intense path, but my options have their doings there too, nothing perfect in Italy nor in Malta. Only Finland has the potential of giving me the lacks of too much doings, and on the path as things are now on this country and the world, I have no absolutely must go reason, other than the bad weather, that might not be enough reason (plus Italy, Italian and/or more fitting hobbies) though if I would be recovered I wouldn't stay in Finland, but as I am in between still some tens of years (the time it takes to change the Xmind more completely - it's an addiction, memory), my decision too is in between of competitive outer personas, and I need to make a pick (based on what?), that is difficult in the world of realities that interfere with my dreams, or/and your dreams and lacks interfere with my realities. 6:27 am plenty smoking instantly hit my face when I opened the window, and as the one down has been up since 4:42 am at least, I don't have much doubt that he is the smoker. Unfortunately, I have very limited times when he is not smoking and need to keep a look at it when having the window open, that's also the time I can make e.g. spaghetti (I might have to move to micro stuff and it's less good as they might not be as good for weight control), as it would get too moist inside otherwise (though only 70% and it has been 60% since the start of June, though it should be less as that is close the average pm moisture outside during the summer, it getting to/over 70% only at the end, and then it gets down inside when the weather gets colder outside but still at this time at 13C or so it hasn't went down yet in September). Additionally, it seems I get smoking also through ventilation, so need some textile there, and I need to watch my unconscious memory as it can produce the smoking to my lungs, lips, nose; live memories as well as maybe realities as the smoking through ventilation plus other bad doing smells (all combined is always more even with one thing there) is getting in my lungs and in my health. Since I put the textile there, I was in much the better shape and health like instantly, and also my nose hasn't collected the wet thing, lungs feeling fine and fresh, just now that the one down is up I get some placebo negative reactions in my lungs, though my nose is not saying anything to be wrong, except when I opened the window, instantly it hit me plenty, and it wasn't placebo. The lungs do not figure to get hotter as the air in my room is not as bad according to my nose, and I more like expect my lungs just having memory reactions (to possible bad smoking air in my room from a day or two back) and I expect it to cool down, though for a case like this it could take up to weeks for it to forget, though it could be better in this case in hours or in a day or two as I have the smoking under control at this time. The smoking hit from opening the window was surprisingly strong, and as I have had problems inside and have thinly (and some of the time a bit stronger) smelled it even the window closed and some of the time some more when coming from the bathroom e.g. after a shower, I suspect it was mainly real inside too (before the textile), not just my memory, unconscious, that's always one possibility one needs to consider as the differences of what is real and what is imagined as one feels them, are small and not easy to be sure. The noises, the neighbours start it in the morning (especially the one above that is always building something, or just bowling, from early morning to late night), and combined to my stressed smoking experience just before, it naturally makes the UK again look better as the Italian option is more subtle, though at times it looks like my fate not to go there, but whatever, when the subtle goes down, there is no Italy and there is no staying in Finland (as it's too uncomfortable for me to live here under these flats and weathers). To make a clear, subtle and balanced decision basically needs flats that I am not living under like a year that should be enough to make the decision as sure enough long run though if there is no peace in Italy, the UK is a sure thing as it doesn't matter to it that much, and living on this planet is not likely to give me the necessary peace to put the subtle (emotions, peace, just nice living, harmony) as the priority. So, I might have no option but to go in the UK and pick a path more fitting to me on this planet, though I might hope the newer flats now and in the near future to be better, but it's no sure thing that they are, and it's about this life and also living on this planet in this and the future lives, and to count on harmony looks like a long shot, though all I might need is a silent flat, that doesn't look like too much to ask, but I will have to think if there is going to be a good enough possibility for me to have a more subtle, more emotion or feel based life on this planet, e.g. in Italy the possibility goes down as they figure to be more noisy and the flats tend to be more noisy and colder/thinner (and even the ventilation is a major factor), though the UK has those old flats as a rule too, or maybe one gets the top floor more easily there as they have like three floors, that should increase the possibility of peace a bit, though maybe not for/to me as I had one in the red core already and the one below was too noisy. Even these thoughts are a product of the subtle going down as when I am thinking on the subtle line, I am more optimistic - maybe too much - and weight the subtle values and at this time (when I have some more peace) I am weighting the subtle (the word I am using here) vs. some doings not subtle and to have a winning reason for picking one or the other weighted option, rather than pick the doing based non-subtle way because my (and the outer) situation is bad and might remain so. I think I will pick Italy as I have an illusion that it's my (divine) home and all time there would be being at home, including when working; the being simply being at that high a priority then; it doesn't make full sense that that is not the case in the UK to me, so I just call it an illusion (it's divine only in the mind of that persona, though it's a part of the whole persona, that no one is during any one x-mind moment), but not ignoring it (as an option, that has a strong aspect of being in it, rather than doings), and Italy is fine from the weather point and the language point, and my doings there will be reasonable and should be enough as they need to take a secondary place, and in case I have problems being subtle, I can always do there too (being subtle would be possible anywhere but not as much as in this illusion, so on average Italy might be the best pick even mathematically, though just counting these two things; doings and the being, and overly weighting the being, though any outer persona is overly weighted, there not necessarily being anything but being an overweight, there being a must to pick something, it not being optional, and that must can't be based on something rational as there is no mathematical support for picking one over the other). My lungs have now given me trouble six straight hours (starting from when I noted the smoker had woken up - never happened when I noted others had woken up though I wasn't absolutely sure the smoker is the one down especially since I had figured the ventilation possibility. But I must have connected that 'unconsciously' and I still think that what my lungs feel now is a dream - that everyone does) (plus my [mind] form and health has become relatively worse) though not so burning this time but there is pain like they would be infected - the next step will be a clear burning of course (and the next will be blood, more pain and problems, cancer), and is already included here too but it's not all there as I believe that the air in my flat is cleaner. I think I also might have felt onions in my mouth, that I don't remember I have felt before, though some time ago I started to eat more green stuffs and there likely has been some sort of onions some days ago. It's possible to be in the other's mind and everyone is, just that without the W&C (plus) one will not be as conscious about the mind (about the unconscious that is the deities - like senses - plus memory. The memory being the problematic thing here as it builds feelings etc. from memory also, that have more or less nothing to do with the reality).
The soul, it seems to be a combination of the brain and Awareness and that Awareness is everywhere or a product of human (and material) Energy. The focus of awareness in our (x-)mind, body and outside of it depends of where we are keeping our focus at (thoughts, feelings, body, outside), including the dominant personality functions where e.g. Si is more focused inside than the Se is, that is more focused outside, and the F more focused at feelings, the N more focused being in the memory-mind vision view (the N) rather than at the reality here and now (not in memory) as the S. The place of our center of awareness will be different in each case, as it will be at e.g. clear pink, where one (with the Brahma Awareness) is more expanded but still more strongly in touch with human Energy/Awareness (it's still a weight to our x-mind as one constantly feels it rather than being free of it, but as we seem to have a need of that energy as far as the heart goes, one can just pick the amount of how much one wants or doesn't want that, or finds some ways or gets possibly used to white, though Energy figures to be a need, but life might have some way like increase one's own energy, especially when having moved over the in between action and 'no-action' or/and stuff like that). When one is deeply unconscious, a part of the people (in that near death situation or so) will experience the awareness still further away (as the feel of/for the body has dropped to such low level), and though in my opinion there will not be any experience without the body, the awareness has some way to see and that gets collected in one's memory in the brain and then is shown to one when one gets full brain activity, though it will look like one saw it when the awareness was that much more out of the body (I don't have that experience - and won't need it as others have it - as it needs so little brain activity that one figures to die - with medication one could go that unconscious - and would die - but the brain usually will not work then enough because of medication - if one doesn't die - and nothing gets stored in memory even if one's awareness would be more out of the body at that time). Will that awareness form (memory, form) move to another body, it sort of always is in all bodies, it then being about information, and vibrations move, but still, a memory pack, but technically basically possible but the pack, form, will, direction, intelligence, I find it hard to see so though it might use someone else's brain for that. As a simulation, program this to be, it would be all programmed in and the death and no death has no meaning as a program, there not being any difference but one just wakes up to reality in between these program lives or doesn't wake up but just moves to another programmed life. And there being a reality too, maybe not but just a program, and the death or no death has no difference, just memory, and it stays in the program if that's what the program wants, and whether that program is made by humans or not, being the natural Logos.
If one would be making children, what country and a place and mother tongues one would pick for them (I wouldn't teach them Finnish but e.g. Italian and/or English and possibly get them in an English school)? What kind of a place I should pick for myself for the rest of my life and potentially for the next life as being born there (one could always move later there, when like 20, though it's not as good until one dies in an English speaking country and takes that as a rebirth first, then goes up to back there to have kids and when they have their English like when they are 10 perhaps - 5 doesn't look like enough as I forgot my Swedish - move again). English is again a bit more important to me and I need to compare it to the weather differences, and I do have a couple of better next life scenes in the UK compared to Italy, though not that either one is winning as a whole. But I still have to think and see about my future and doings and compare it to weather, to make my pick. Any time some thing changes a bit, the weight of my pick changes, as it did this time too when I am weighting English more (if I think it would matter enough to me, e.g. it might generally not be possible to learn it well enough - and in any case it's many years of energy and money - so one would not have problems with it, and only in case it doesn't matter that much or one is going to simply ignore it and not need it, only then it doesn't matter that much or at all). But to live one's life in a pale dark place when one could live it in a sunny warmer place and feel at more home rather than in an empty cold dark place under a pale weather. I have about the 10th month to think about the UK winter, that will be similar here during that month, though it's tricky as the 8C is here in the middle (with two or three hours of sunshine, that's more than the UK winter has) and things are better up to there and maybe a week more and then it's all too bad. It's not a big deal to have some 11-12C as the winter but when it's 10-11C that is before and after the 8C, it makes that low temperature last longer and as a combination, is worse, to wait like five months some more reasonable weather (compared to about no waiting as soon as one gets a bit experience of the 11-12C, that's also more sunny in every way, then one will have a 13C spring - plus with still more sunshine) including the sunshine that makes a lot of difference in Helsinki in February to get like three hours of that compared to one or nothing during the three months before that. The option of the UK as a weather might not be all that much over Finland if one loses something by moving in the UK, as the weather is much the same there just that there is not winter as the temperature, just a pale and dark winter part of it. Helsinki has half the year an average low that is below zero, the UK/London has none, though it's close during many months, so to think that as something major, would not be right, and so even the winter half in the UK is not as good as it looks like compared to Finland, though I wouldn't mind having a shorter winter and an 8C average might during the winter, but it's to be seen that one might be giving too much value to it, the UK weather being much like that in Helsinki, just the winter temperature being higher but still pale (might not be bad with silence and clear pink as the comfort level increases). The younger one is the more it makes sense to pick a warmer temperature as one gets rid of basically all (the) bad weather and there is a long life ahead to live under a pale weather of the UK.
7-8C (no [cold] wind) was fine at least the first 15 minutes, some time after that the throat was feeling uncomfortably cold, so I might need to use something there. The naked hands were not cold in any way. I was having a bit too much clothing, that's also an important factor to not be cold nor hot in any way, and all the other comfort factors of the clothes are of some importance (e.g. I don't like to use jackets). On the way back (over one hour walk) I wasn't cold on the throat either though it's not comparable as one might be better after some time but I think it's significant; it was 9C, and I had the low as 11C at one time but then saw 10C to be good (if the wind is okay) and now it seems 9C might do (if the wind is okay), but the UK average high temperature might not be good but to some 15 minutes until one is well protected, and one is usually not at the very top temperature because it's earlier or later, and some 11-12C average high has more protection in it as it can be below too, down to 11-9C, depending of the wind (and the person) if one is going to spend any significant time outside or likes to have the window open where it might also be of significance (and increasing the heating costs). So, doesn't look good at this point to the UK/London as its average high is 1C below the 9C, in case one would take the mere average high. Clothing might improve the situation there as my hands were not cold, just the throat, and one can improve the comfort by having the exact amount of clothing for every temperature (plus wind) as anything too little or too much even if it's just little, is an uncomfort factor, and any increase in more or less any comfort factor makes the other uncomfort factors possibly somewhat less uncomfortable. But for 15 minutes the top day of the UK/London winter is not a problem, there not being any uncomfort. But the importance of English just went down to me. The importance of my hobbies however went up. It might look like the weather in the UK is just like in Italy e.g. 3/4 of the time and technically that is the case, but in practice the winter half is there in the UK but it's not clear there is any winter in Italy as it has sunshine, longer light hours too, and the winter comes so suddenly and goes so suddenly that it might be more like a break than a winter, and if one more or less enjoys (with more or less suffering included) 24-27-28C (and more definitely also), one is like not having those (as many) in the UK. Picking between the weather and doings, I would pick the doings as I already did, but that combined to a physical enough work is just too much physical work for me to take the best of it as doings in the UK and as I need to cut down there, it makes my doings less meaningful, at least in this life - I might be moving in the UK in my next life then, to have my doings in full, and though I would already be picking Italy based on this life, adding the next life in too, I might need to pick the UK in this life. It then still being about picking the weather or the doings in full, and I have to make my pick; one or the other, both not being possible. And it is not that my doings are nothing in Italy, they just will be inferior and less, like the weather in the UK is inferior and less rather than being completely bad. And not that I value my doings all that much to have them a clear favorite over the weather, and I do value the weather, while Italian is nice but I need to pay the price of learning it, that's not all pain though, but I could use that time better for more physical/recovery and my body is not getting any younger to keep waiting till my Italian is nationality ready before I get to focus on my doings and/or recovery, though the recovery is not all important if okay enough and can recover the last twenty years on the beach or something like that. There is also an emotional aspect here, favoring Italy and my doings go more or less against it and I am not fully comfortable about that, just that my doings have plenty power and without them I would be a completely new man, nothing of the old being there to put it short. But I can't make a pick of what to be, but only what to do and then that will take its own journey and ends up becoming whatever it ends up becoming, though I have dropped major NT-persona and its doings as it's simply bad for my health and being and limits what I can do and be, and I can't accept such a scenario, it being bad for me. And that leaves whatever I have of other doings and beings, plus my new personality parts as Italy, Italian and related feelings, doings and whatever they have in them. I could pick all the remaining and (try to) go in Italy, but it doesn't look like to be a working solution, but putting Italy etc. under somewhere and pick the UK with the doings (though a heavy pick physically and maybe too much), dropping the best of my persona and feelings and adjusting in the UK, picking a different persona, a different path, but I am not sure (of) how I am going to do that and if it's the right thing to do or simply a pick among others, and how bad can I go by picking a different persona, it just being a pick, right? Not sure, and even if it's just an optional pick (for/to me), it still might be hard to kill the other. If I would want even one of my major hobbies as full for sure, I would go in the UK, especially as I don't need to use the years to study Italian that in Italy might make it too difficult for me to study enough Italian, though it's not sure it would prevent but a part, but still it would but in the UK I have no limitations to my hobbies and can start them as full as possible immediately, not after many years. And that factors weights so much that I don't see how I am going to pick Italy until I am pretty sure I will have my doings as secondary and focus on a different persona. But it's already clear that nothing of the persona is clear and won't be clear any time soon enough. Having a shot to have a perfect doings future in this and the next life, as good recovery possibilities as possible (outside of staying in Finland), and recovery is on the top of the list as important as long as one is not at least okay and even after that but not necessarily immediately and so dominantly. Picking a different persona though wouldn't put mental energy in hobbies, doings that much and could have a better time in recovering in Italy, the UK not really being a place for doing like nothing, but a place for doings. But as the persona can't be picked, I can pick only what I am now or when recovered more, but I am both of them, just that they don't fit in any one country in the whole world, except maybe in the USA in the (nearer) future but not at the moment, but one basically can't get there, but they would cover the weather and my doings in full, some Australia would cover maybe a part of my doing in full and I would need to pick a special education/job to get there, so some possibility of getting it all, while things improving in Italy is theoretically possible any time, and some other countries in the EU already are close or even there to cover as much as Australia does, so I don't need to go there and pick a special job, just that I might have to go in France or Spain, or just Spain, that comes the closest in weather and to cover up to full the majority of my doings, but that's not all yet there. But it looks like I can not pick Italy because it would be based on picking the related persona that I might not be enough yet, and being tied to learning Italian, is not good I think until one has become already the related persona who is best to be there. Sad, I will be sad about dropping Italy, and I would be sad to stay in Finland, and dropping fuller doings and picking Italy, I don't feel comfortable about that, it cutting my life and up to badly, though I might not be sad about it, but it's a different bad thing. But the only way not to be sad would be for me to go in Italy, just that I feel a couple of uncomfortable matters about it, it not being fully right, while there is a possibility to be happy in some silent, clear pink flat in London and have one's hobbies in full and no extra things and extra bothers, but full life as much as possible, rather than being happy in Italy with less full doings and with limitations and extra bothers. So, if I could be happy in the UK, it should be the best pick, though the weather is basically the same as in Finland and I could then be happy here too, with limited and up to completely limited doings (in case I would need to go for sure and it actually looks like that I will soon have all the limitation in full in Finland, even if I get the Flatting things okay some time in the future here, then I have only the Flattings; no fuller doings, no Italy, basically nothing, could as well be dead, though I can recover and do whatever there is one can do here, it still being worth some). Can I be happy in the UK, or will I need to go in Italy, that might be my main question, and a part of it is to see how it's to live in a clear pink place (silent preferably but not necessarily as I don't need to be subtle in the UK). To be happy in the UK, that needs all the things on the table, all need to be looked into and see if I can be happy there (in the light of Italian persona also, that will not like it but to get things looking better on the UK side also, there is nothing it can do about it, it being then just a pick vs. a pick and it shouldn't matter then as none is too unhappy). It might be a part illusion to be happy or not but as long as the illusion stays (happy, unhappy, both, neither), it's just the same if it's an illusion or not as far as I will be feeling about it. For years the facts of happy or not haven't completely changed, though things have changed and could change more as I get to see more about the reality of the UK and Italy (in the light of e.g. clear pink, that miss might also produce some needs that would not be there if one had it and then things can look different. In the light of silence too, that makes one more subtle, that can again change the views). The x-persona keeps changing and is rather meaningless of what it things, it just adding a bit every time it changes, and one has those in one's persona as so, it being one's full persona, and not just some part of it that happens at some time to be in the x-mind and dominating. My situation just haven't given me a possibility to pick a life outside also that would fit in my Xmind, putting me in a situation where I need to pick, it not being possible to have my Xmind as a whole in any place of the world at this time. In the next lives somewhere, I will have more I can pick, though not all, but as I have made a pick in this life already, I have killed some part of my Xmind and it will not be reborn but will remain death forever, except if I do in Italy and pick limited doings, in case I will keep my Xmind, though in a limited way and I still will be killing a part of it, but if I will go in the UK, I will have to kill even the whole Italy, though I saw some possibility for its second place, hobby, holidays, but I won't have energy nor time for that and my doings persona will be heavily dominating my feelings (and NT) persona, it being a life of ST (Se/Ti) just about in all, though maybe some part will remain open for those other things also, e.g. if I need to rest/recover also, in case I can't do. But the base line is mainly that I will kill the Italian persona if I go in the UK, and if I go in Italy, I will put the doings persona in a secondary and up to a dead position - that could also happen as I can't let the doings persona ever take the dominant position and so it turns out to go to the direction of the death of my doings persona and the feelings persona dominating. To make it really a good move to go in Italy, I would need to let that persona that wants to go there to dominate, that would mean the death of my doings persona, and if I will go in the UK, there is no Italy then, it will simply die. So, it seems, I will have to kill one or the other. It's just that things would better change as one goes, without needing to kill anything, and that's why I have been trying to see in the future the last about two years about these two picks, trying to understand them better, and the case includes a lot of different matters, directly as well as indirectly connected, and things don't stay the same, they change outside and inside, except the fact that I am not getting recovered fast enough, though I still figure to need to move out of Finland after many years as this place might not be giving me enough doings and beings, in one way or/and the other it's simply not making it any good for me to stay in here, until I get the beings and pick to take that with limited doings, that I might do but it's not the best pick if I get recovered more than I expect in time, in case I simply go where I can get more of the cake. Maybe nothing gets killed weather I move in the UK, in Italy of stay in Finland, and I have seen it to direction too, just that there is a being, persona that is making these picks, and it's not the same in the UK that's in Italy, so the weight will necessarily be different, the only question being of how dead the other one will be, and I don't see too much possibility to dream about Italy and Italian in the UK, being heavy in my doings picks, and if it makes sense to pick Italy, then I should be (of) that persona, I think, and though there is a possibilty to have limited doings also, there is the fact that they will need to stay under the other persona, and that is slowly killing them as they don't fit under that persona in any major way and as anything less, they don't really matter and one can just drop them and pick some doings and hobbis more fitting to the other persona. So, I think I will have to kill the other, and it's really sick to go and kill something. Italy would be the more natural path here, and if the other then gets killed there, it will get killed but I am not as much or at all the one who would be killing it. But what if the Italian persona gets killed, then one finds that one is in a wrong place. Maybe there is a possibility for some split between the time of doings and beings between my two picked personas, and so both could stay alive in Italy. No, they are different paths and the other needs the UK, and if peace and silence is what I want included in the subtle pick of Italy, its not what I might be getting, this not being a planet of peace and silence and so picking more like the opposite correlates better with the state of (the) mind on this planet and I wouldn't necessarily need any peace and silence but could do without it also, that would not be possible in the subtle path, and so the reality of the situation better pick the UK, and if any Italian persona remains alive there, then that much remains alive there, but I will not be actively involved in it but will deal with whatever of it stays alive. So, because of the situation being non-subtle, and as I can't pick both, I think I will pick the UK, that luckily is a good pick also as it got way the most points. Maybe I will get some moments with the subtle too and some holidays sometimes somewhere, but that's all, the rest being the hard reality and picking my doings because of that. I will just think that the weather is 3/4 like in Italy and be happy I made a good pick that cost only that little, and in case I want some more weather, I will take some winter holidays or go beaching somewhere during the summer (also), the extra money one can get from work should cover that, though much of my time is pension time, that though then gives me also better possibilities to improve the weather with holidays. This is the closest I have come to go in the UK, I saw things more clearly or so because of that, but the next day I was again picking Italy as I like the better weather, Italian and related feelings and being, life that much, and with that I also got the vision that no point to go in the UK at all but I rather stay in Finland if I have to though all decisions against something or/and for something makes one blind to the goods of the alternative and to the bads of the picked one, and then after the decision the bads of the picked one can come up as well as the goods of the alternative. But at this point I am again picking Italy, and at least one thing is sure that I feel in a ways better and happier with that decision that with the decision of the UK, while there is never a thing like if I pick the UK and thinking if I don't get there (that's not too likely to happen as it looks like one gets some job there and can live in a hostel if one has to, and even outside, while in Italy getting some job is not said to happen and even if one gets some job it's not said one is going to get something one would get in the UK) then it would be just as fine or better to stay in Finland than go in Italy. The reasons and feeling because of the different reasons and personas are different with the UK than they are with Italy and it's not said that the other is the right based on some pack of feelings and awareness, them just being different, and with Italy I am limiting my life and pushing the more difficult, all based on feelings, awareness only, related to weather and Mediterranean, the language, and there is always the list of 100 reasons of why (to) pick the UK or a related place, but when one gets blinded by some other factors not there in such a place, then one picks differently, but up to only when under such an x-thing. But, I am picking Italy at this point, an uphill or not, and it might be that I stay in Finland because of it, and my going to another country also gets delayed as I need to be more recovered or rested for Italy as I need to study the language there. The next step for me is to see the no-life six months ahead in Finland, from 10 to 4 (included), and actually I have seen it cold and over already before the ends of 9th. This is how it's in Finland and the next step is to get used to it but basically life is all over the next six months, and from that point of view it wouldn't be all that great in the UK either during the winter half while in Italy one can always survive the 11-12C three months or so period without it being up to any problem. It's also nice to heat and sunny up during a many months long high summer in Italy, and that seems to be one reason why the personality of Italy differs from a personality of the UK; in Italy it's like people during other times have still that long high summer in their 'memory,' while in the UK they have the long pale in their memory and the summer just gets rid of it and then one is ready to start to live having recovered from/of the pale, but then it's another pale ahead; the same thing in Finland, while in Italy they don't have all that problem but at the most at the north places though it's more sun and light there and the summer is long and hot.