Brahma Yoga - F-Meaning

As a Thinking oriented I didn't feel any meaninglessness for nine years, 1996-2005, but then my parents got old (last year(s)), I got middle aged, 36-37 (not young anymore and getting older), and I became major uncomfortably aware as then a feeling oriented (a hard start when one needs to deal with many major f-problems, many that more or less can't even be solved, just more or less tolerated) - started from dropping mentality (half a year before actually, but then it was only about social lacks) - that I had major lacks at my social life (plus the age and the death. Personally, the first can be a bother when one gets at middle age, especially if one has any kind of major lacks, the second, personally, also before that. But one can more or less be at ease with them both as they are just schedules, something one very much needs to be aware of when planning life, but that's the only personal factor for them. Losing close relatives is on the picture of social lacks, the f-meaning) and so I also run into the Feeling meaning of life, that also horribly led me into the deeper views of (f&t) meaninglessness, that can also be a by-product of the lacks in social life (or maybe the social gives some F for the problem not to show.

This whole problem is seated in the heart and contains many things, and it's maybe about accepting the pain of the lack of anything on the heart, or it was rooted to the meaninglessness only, not even about social, though that's the way it seemed to start while it has also its own territory). It seems one needs to have enough feeling stimulus, while much is in action, it's f-action actually, and social, specificly L4, but all Deities are important. Preferably meaningful and ultimately complete. So there's still more, absolutely important, to the Meaning of life. After about two months I however seemed to transcend about the whole major heart (L4) thing and lost about all major problems here, at a moment of lets say social unease (loneliness; social as well as existential, together with meaninglessness), not even a big one, I just kind of accepted the pain (or kept my 'position', both); after experiencing and seeing and adjusting the heart, family, social, middle age, old age, death, deeper meaninglessness, the meaningless another life (it's the same) and all matters related to this problem. I said to myself that I am not going to move by it any more; I have seen, done and adjusted what I can, and now, I will keep my 'posture' (my presence) and take the f-emptiness (L4 and whatever), the total meaninglessness and everything, then it did pain (and some hot) on my heart, but seeing my attitude, stopped. The whole thing took like ten seconds.

This phenomenon of transcendence is part of the common laws (known, partly). Usually one should not 'face' psychological pains as they are by-products of loads, defects, facts (at least not understood, while the facts in a way can change like magic: a fact depends also partly of our attitude/magic towards it), and the Deities will increase counter power, that loads, and the fact (a Deity reaction, as it should by the laws of its Dharma) will not transcend. But there are some exceptions like silly things, and deeper things like this mine. It's a question of the whole Dharma of life. But what happened to me was that the next day there was neither meaning nor meaninglessness, and I could not even understand that there are such things; I couldn't see anything about them, so I could not be bothered about them either (maybe they were blocked to protection, or as it seems, too, I increased the tolerance together with living at ease with the horror of meaninglessness). Also the social things went to the back seat, I could not feel major unease about them.

They though still are there, and they would need to settle completely,

Some of it is that I need to make my heart happy, it otherwise being unhappy, kind of similar to guilt though there's only that much one can do, from other parts too it's load fire, though some two weeks later the next step (or the first might have been dealing mostly with the meaninglessness) in tolerance happened when that fire broke to a cooler space; no method this time, I just was there with it, or it was in me. Not that any outer facts have changed in these stories, but some inner have and more tolerance or something has been adjusted. This heart thing (more or less connected also to lesser breathing and more or less to a lack of feel to eat) is still burning (perhaps mainly in the mornings) but I am not in it, and next it was less too. There are many 'fires' I have to or had to deal with here, of meaninglessness, middle age, old parents, social and other, all about loses on the area of the heart.

but more or less I am not in them, depressed (major social uncomfort, together with middle age, and the horror of meaninglessness, somewhat together with death. Related to depression: panic, overtaken by many things, F-positioned), meaning (down) in them, rather than being complete and them being just a part as they basically should, and this is about tolerating them, functional.

So, it's in the heart (social and the possible fiction of meaning/meaninglessness - when there's no meaning there's no meaninglessness, the meaning being the possible fiction. And being in 'position' can play a part here as a 'place'; there are many mental 'places'). Before that I could see everything about meaninglessness and social lacks so clearly, so very clearly, but not the next day, and it wasn't one of those cover/fill it up days, but there was nothing to (over) cover/fill. The story and understanding of course always continues; this is now, but as far as the (over) problem returning comes, there is this (known) method, more or less understanding and L/life has some ways to adjust.

It's obvious that the meaning of life is on Dharma that comes especially from the left Deities, and the feeling of meaningfulness (and its opposite) comes from action, that is f-action. We always have Deity motivations both with 'mere' desires as with "more divine" motivations, and in that sense we can never feel meaninglessness, or f-meaninglessness, as it would be non-Dharmic and just simply against life. This is the religion, faith, God - Life, and there's nothing beyond life, and who ever looks beyond life finds only (f-)meaninglessness, or unhappiness. If one's current state of being is not happy enough to 'just' living, then one needs to improve one's being/state, up to the point of perfect being. The meaning is H/here one way and the other; now and there.

After three months from the beginning of the most dominant heart (loses) views the mind/understanding has got still more up to date

Not complete (and I have still work to do in dropping more mentality as it somewhat gets popping back, and it dominantly away keeps going further here as well as all-importantly decreasing my mental loads), but what matters is progress; significant change has happened as a combination from 'dropping' mentality - even with mentality after what I got would and will more or less remain as its inner change (I got my 'heart' somewhat "fixed" with its related habits, conditionings, understanding) too - and what I faced very soon after it, and the middle age where something has first slowly grown into completion from about the age of 30 and reaching a full and effective growth in my head at 36 where the youth ends (and the next year the life in a way - what remains is not the future that's the theme when one is young, at least if one is thinking oriented, but the present; no more psychological future when one is half time-dead, an adult); one feels to be an adult as a result of it. All seeming to sort of aim to the same thing, changing my personality and understanding from some parts.

from the more intense views of the heart (when one is more at left/feeling/heart), that needs the supporting understanding from the mind/understanding, and it (R2+) is a part of our whole understanding (feelings plus other Deities connected to the Xmind, superego; Superego as a whole, personal f-wisdom). About the fact of not being young anymore and partly more so of getting older, that it's still finding a better understanding to accept (one maybe should feel natural about it, having overall a comfortable life, so no problem, but I just am not ready yet, maybe because I should have 'dropped' mentality five years earlier), but it has made good progress in accepting the old age loses and the death of other people,

Though no major sorrow anymore about anyone's old age nor death, after some three months, the heart however still has the pain of what it seems on the root, of the lack of care, that my heart didn't earlier tell me as it was dominated by my mind, and when it did, I got a heart pain, not anymore from anyone's old age but a heart guilt here in cases I have not done enough (the heart has its Dharma(s) of how things should be done); as a mind oriented (that one can maybe later be and the heart-mind will still at least remember, but there's change too) I didn't care enough - the mind cares only somewhat about the knowledge being given - but the heart cares more, like it should do at better Balance here (from dropping the mind and dealing with the left side). The heart is not my speciality. It's a part of the whole Dharma, and in my case means more caring and other stuff is required from me (a by-product, though one might need to be aware, conscious of it, and is perhaps needed to understand the root of care from the heart for better mind understanding, while the care is just one part of the heart things), but it's not something I figure should dominate - in case one might end to the other end of the problem - but something as a balanced part with limits from other Deities.

and from my part I just has to accept the lose; it's the way of life and one can be at ease with it, or otherwise one is not wise about it. And about social loses (or whatever for that matter but it's still a bigger thing), one just has to live with what one got at the moment and be relatively at ease with it; that's wise, though I have not overcome much of the many heart pains at this point (I though have ways to get it more or less covered, and life should be able to adjust in case it gets unbearable; at this point it however seems that I have stuff to learn before my heart will be at ease, and maybe my system learns too). About the meaninglessness of life, it's not true; there's no such thing as a meaning (all troubles here are from other reasons, not because of the meaning, that should be called a "meaningfulness," a feeling, that comes from the Deities, that are the meaning, the meaningfulness as a feeling, and when they are not happy, the heart, they give a feeling of a missing meaningfulness, so they do need a meaning, they are speaking and saying that something is missing that they need to be happy), so there can not be its opposite either, other than as a 'negative' feeling. Life is all there is and we are a part of it, and one could call it a happy thing, life being a kind of synonymous to a happy thing (life, living, energy, being); it is wise to view, see/understand life as so.

Life is like a "box", we are in(side), and meaninglessness is about not being happy about being in that kind of a situation, while wisdom here is about being at (relative) ease in it. When one can be at ease with there being no "box meaning;" then one starts to see the meaning in meaninglessness (the box meaning is an illusion of the heart not being in a happy situation as far as our Xmind together with the Deities figure, the Xmind being not wise enough, and the heart being right as it has needs, Dharma needing to be complete, and seeing what's missing the heart is not happy, and not only that but at pain, speaking, though together with the Xmind, but the heart is clearly right, just not sure about the amount of the pain), like when I more or less accepted the f-emptiness and was still there, this rest of the thing being a bigger view of the same thing; one still is whether there is a "meaning" or not, and then one starts to see what is left and gets more at ease with the S/situation that's life. We have to be at tone understanding with Life (that we too are), like (and that too) with the Dharma (that we too are) not the other way (a)round (superego, Xmind); that's much of what this f-wisdom is about.

The "meaning" is about the heart seeking a 'home' and a 'family.' When one lacks those, there is a 'vast emptiness' where the presence of those more or less should be, and when they are not enough here, there's 'f-emptiness', that feels as more or less loneliness and "meaninglessness." Other presences e.g. the Brahmanic Awareness is presence and home, in a cosmic way, while any other presences as well make one feel at home and/or family, though they might not stop the S/seeking, and when those (good to one) presences are there, one's f-attention is dominantly H/here, then one/the heart might not seek something outside of it, though presences (and the lacks) become more or less nirvanic with time. The heart's needs are a part of the Dharma; we should try to understand them, and beware of covering them with too much (t-)action.

As a T one more or less likes the solitude aloneness of space emptiness, but as an F the lacks of it more or less start to bother. Now there's Brahma Awareness too, so for me it's still easier to simply exist, as long as the F-meaning doesn't jump in. While I also like the simple basic life, living on a sensor (more or less feeling - non-mental feeling) mode, something that has attraction to many T-loaded people, and one reason they are interested about stuff like Z/zen for example, while with the Brahma Awareness there's not even "Z/zen," but just simple basic sensor life, something needed to decrease the mental loads.

When one is somewhat more on the right (Sahaja Yoga left-middle-right) it causes more action, and much of our meaning comes from those desires (when that's mostly what we have been), that so get more power when one is somewhat more on the right. While one is somewhat more on the left, the action desires get weaker, partly causing the lose of meaning, that I call "action meaning" here. Being more out of action starts to move one to the left, as well as loading more something at left (e.g. L6 more than R2 or other action) cause somewhat the same, also when one is somewhat more at left one feels many left things (maybe more so those that one does not want - I have an idea that some conditionings, some though are more or less Deity needs, could be changed to better like that, while when at right they are covered, one never getting to the point of getting them changed - this can be the only place where using the "suppressed" term in its false definition might be right, while generally suppression is about the only way to get rid of anything) at left more strongly, also one generally gets more dreamy (L6) when at left, while when somewhat more at right the action impulses, including logic (R2), starts to dominate more. There is some work to be done at left especially for those coming from the right, it taking time to get used to, adjust, learn, balance; I think generally to make it a better Place to be at; and it can be beneficial, though there's much that needs to get better before this (part of the) heart will be a happy Place to be at. Not counting my mere loads (mental and sexual), this seems to be the only thing (a Dharmic and a situational thing) for me to try to handle now (I am not all optimistic, this being about people, death, emptiness, loneliness, getting older, meaninglessness, like facing the ultimate loses and the heart pains. I also see the rest of my life and the death.

That I don't seem to be worried about in the heart but only logically, and at 5.0 months I see the logic of death as no-pain, there being nothing to worry about and to the last moment I will be alive not dead, and one can't be worried about not being, so the only worry about death is just about losing some things one is not yet ready to lose, and the same goes for the middle age or any age if one is not yet ready to be that old, or loses something significant by so. The problem to me is just life, and mainly the SeFi world to use one word for it. My future being happy/secure enough both in this (not so at the SeFi) and the possible next life, so I can be happy/relaxed about what I got now (except about the SeFi) and what I will have/will face in the future, except about the SeFi, that's though better at least in the next life as I will get to a good start there right away, and in this I just will try to get things better and hope some good adjustment also happens.

and logically I can handle this remaining journey, but this is about the heart - like partly about the past lifes conditionings and partly about heart's needs), it being all in this (part of the) heart (with the other part - it seems SiFe - I can handle it seems anything as it's optimistic, but it seems to lead to action and action is bad for my mental loads, while I likely need to deal with these it seems SeFi problems - when not on that mode I can't much understand nor see these mentioned problems that pop up when ever enough nonactivity of the mind has been there, while SiFe can pop up too and then cover it, but that's not going to handle/eliminate these SeFi problems, and not likely my mental loads), and it includes a lot of things, all mentioned, many heart pains.

I think it's about extroverted sensing with feeling (Fi) (personality groups more or less at EP and IJ), and that Place in my life is not happy (or the Brahma Awareness is there, but this is about exited/good action/feeling at this my "other" Place); while when I am exited about something in 'my' life of actions, I am at introverted sensing with feeling (Fe) mode (IP has that not all strong but like tea with milk, while EJ has that at the very top, no milk, it being more excited, up to ecstatic), the Place where my life is happy (it too can be in the heart though the 'home' aspect from L3 is strong) - it then covers the other Place (my 'unconscious') and all I feel is good, about everything being there well, being so comfortable in that Place. Though when that 'action' life is not at comfort level, there will be pain, but generally that place at least in my life feels good, having things well at that area - including E/enlightenments as they cover also the 'personal' (Si) well B/being (Fe); that's why I feel so good at that area (at 'my' area). Later the impact of extroverted sensing with feeling somewhat started to mix (disturb) in to it (the personal well being being then more nirvanic) (socially not my fault; people on this planet being what they are), and then later (2004-5) more personally with "no action" the personal life's other side (the outer side) starts to dominate (when ever more on that mode, though its 'need' gets to be clear and a part of the whole), wanting things personally (SeF) better at the extroverted sensing with feeling world. While it's quite a different persona too (partly going up to exactly the opposite directions), and one needs to consult also from other Places to see the whole picture better, to make better decisions; often more balanced (more intelligent, more wise) but one also needs to consider the extremes of how much (and how long at the time) one is better to lean on this or that direction (at some specific M/moment it's not all wise to be at balance as life and its needs fluctuate between more or less extremes, while to get to a B/balance one needs to be more or less extreme).

After 3.5 months the mind as well as the body has become more soft (the f-'dominating', though at 5.0 months it was at one point like an S-Si body, not soft, but I have been changing a lot these days from a mere idea connected to e.g. S-Si factor, while the softer was not an idea), the outer look has more changed. 'Ni' is less, and as I am and have to use 'Se' as well as 'T' and has liking to both S(e/i) and 'Fi', there's action at my EP, as well as 'Te' and 'Fe' being more up because of the lesser Ni (and Si, and Te). At home when not doing anything I often feel most comfortable somewhere at Fe (in my case it would be kind of INFp, but I am not at Ni here, but I just like the Fe comfort, then the Fe is more strongly present when doing T stuff

(5.0 Months) Dropping to the second pair of functions and so being like an ISFp, as at rest, and at T-functions still remaining under Fe, but in that case it would refer to ENFj, that's FeNiTeSi, and that's because the NiTe is still hanging in there, though one can make it less and less and still remain an ENFj, or an INTp in case one stays there - why would I stay there anymore when I am overloaded there, and I do not need it anymore, while there may be too much NiTe (TeNi) at ENFj for my current rest needs, and one needs to be most blind, while ESFj is better on both, if one pays the cost. What happened to me with dropping of the mind and half a year before that (F-dominant had slowly grown in me, started to more or less to dominate, then at dropping the mind it became permanent thought it was already but never had the mind been second by enough, but then there came these SeFi things too, more so, that's in INTp's personality, though the last of four pairs, but it's INTp personality - extroverted sensing with Fi - introverted and more subtle feeling, while that dominates his SeTi, that's not in his personality) was like no Fe only with the dropping (or there were aspects of SeFi already earlier. The SeFi together with Ne became so most dominant), and F(e) is what I took close again to get ease to my pain (also the Se together with Ne comes closer, so one does not see so much) - when the dropping of the mind had it not there - and then F(e) got full (at the top) and maybe permanent (that's what it had been growing before already), though at any enough dropping later the SeFi will pop up at some point (until another personality than one with SeFi has become the personality). It can now be like ENFj, from the used Fe factor, while with ESFj it's about Ni-mind being less dominant than the moment's Si-awareness, an I do prefer the S-moment, more so when taking mental recovery. The only major but is about hobbies/job that may use dominant Se/Ne. I might move more to Se/Ne way when I am more ready, though I already seem to be there. INFj is a possibility.

5.X Months. It's good that Ni/Ne is not running loose, while the Ti should be with Se, not with Ne - visual, imagination - that makes it Thinking and at the first pair until one is at ISFj, while not using Ne with thinking and not being dominantly at Ti, it will be ISFj or INFj, depending if Ne will start to function more with Fi. F (and a smaller Se than with EP) is what I am keeping close, and as I am/can be Se/Ne nowadays, it's IJ (at this time), just not sure what IJ and if that will be enough for recovery. So I take whatever helps; I stay with Fe - it's a kind of a candle flame, keeping the Fe more dominant and the mind away (being with Fe as the main focus works well at rest, likely ESFj as the Fe is first and I am not at N, so it must be an S, and my outer look changed as usual and it was ESFj. The problem can be the TeNi), while this Se/Ne stuff might keep the mind thinking, though no running like Ni/Ne. But one definitely needs to get rid of the TiNe, and so INFj is a possibility, but FiNe might not be what one is looking for, and the rest have the TiSe, TiNe, FiSeTiNe. The reason I am not at EP is simply my SeFi problem, but I don't see I am able to stay at IJ either as the mind is not away enough. I can use (N)T sharply when ever I focus on it, or be at (S)F when ever I focus on that. From that I would guess it's NF (S is not dominating, though I am not living in the mind but fully awake, even more awake than ever before, but I am not an S, though it might not remain so), that though doesn't mean I can't recover at FeSi, while things indicate that that NT is INFj, and it has a nice no-N with T (TiSe, that's also a nice sensor aspect).

Something has grown in my head to complete as I have mentioned, and it has its effect in this what I am now, it being more silence than with M6 chakra, and so the F is effecting more (dominating), Ni much less (I am not in it), and before already I have had more Se, and Ne has been happening, and then all these other things mentioned, being like everything has stopped even more than before, everything being like over too; something has changed and is changing, and it's the mind trying to figure it and adjust to some new place, and it has been looking it from many places, and I can just guess what the end result will be about that, while I don't like growing older and die without knowing if there is a rebirth, but that's some of the things I need to just live, while some indications are there that I am sort of dying from the mind here, so that I won't have any brain to bother about it, any persona to bother about it, and things like that can happen, have happened to many, that some things just disappear. But that remains to be seen. At the moment I would like to recover but also to know what am I as a persona, though I have to drop that and be whatever as I need to keep thinking out. I have lost Fe in a way that it's not effected at least not at TeSe FeNi persona as it used to, and that's maybe partly about being more awake, but I bet Fi as e.g. Si has had less effect, though sometimes even more and I can make it so. The so far final change happened when I started to be with Fe close to me, something happy, though I have got used to it, but during those times (a week, few weeks) much changed, no more EP, and things changed in other ways too, and it seems it's INFj, that also has F/T before N/S, so it's about personal feelings and not about SeFi (others' feelings). I don't see that at this point any other personality fits to me but INFj, though at this point one can't say this journey is over as it's not sure I and my being have found a comfortable enough home for myself yet, while I do need to take recovery, that then might change things again, but I will not be a T again as I need recovery, and F-dominance was not done by me on the basis, and the only meaning for living I sort of have now is from F(-action).

FiNe is not that much at Se/Ne dominance; the Se/Ne area is smaller and one is more at Fi, and as a J one is not feeling 'other's' but one's 'own' feelings. The INFj cost is the missing NT, P, some weakness at (Te)Si (that's though one of his abilities).

(5.X Months). TiSe dominates it, while the T is missing the N that's used dominantly with F; and Fe might do as a whole body, Fi might not, and reading the future/past with NT is a factor, and so is the J. But it also means that the Te is connected to Si more than to Ni, meaning that the TeNi is still weaker, and TiNe too; weaknesses being at NT and that's most of it to some if not counting the P weaknesses that's good to be so to some people, and getting better rest with NF instead, not so or at all suffering from P feelings. Then some Si and Fe weakness as Se and Fi dominates them. And TS, ST has its strong sides though not having the N there, that though doesn't need to mean one has no NT ability, but that's basically what one is giving up. What is one doing with the NF? N is at F that doesn't sort of use logic. It might be needed for rest when NT is too busy otherwise, and if that is so then one might have to drop the NT completely. From the rest point of view there are also four FS/SF personalities and they all have the second pair as NT, that might be good, but there are also constant talker ESFPs (= ESFp) [F-NT in talking action] and loaded ISFJs, but not all and they can also be capable people (and these can have a good memory too, and they can do many different things - those are some reasons why I rate F-NTs high here, and I think they are generally happy and healthy people) and they don't burn out as easily as the NT is not ON other than when needed. ESFJs or ISFPs can be a good bet as a rest mode while those Ses have Feelings about others/morality or something, not good for my situation. ISFP for INTP, ISFJ for INTJ and so on for the closest rest place.

The second pair; the first pair though remains conscious, while putting SeFi first (all the rest will follow) NiTe (same as all other ESFP pairs compared to INTP) becomes the last, while one might be able to control what one feels as a SeFi (FiSe might be closer as a Fi but maybe harder to control. Se is here and now and N is with T; the "SeFi" problems seem to be there mainly when N is with the F, so that is then to be avoided); S, Se, not so looking all over like an ESTP might do, but Se-feel, as an S, Se; sensing, ekstroverted sensing, with Fi. The attention there and everything will follow. The T will be with the N and N will not be used as first pair as that's an N-person; so there is no N but S (now and here, no imagine Away from S, though the NT will be there as it too is 'conscious' but it's not dominating the S, SF so that it's covered like with the ENTP that additionally will have a hard[er] time to stay away from too much NT, there not being an option of being with SeFi 'only'), and the S that's with so many with the Fi, as SeFi. This is a way out from both NF problems as well as from major NT problems, while it might feel missing content (till one gets used to it) but that's the deal here (when the N[i] is less one [the attention] rates to move somewhere else and one of the near possibilities is SeFi NeTi, while it seems in my case the FN started to have its share, while I am still having NT, but SeFi can also lead more easily to NeFi views, so that's one thing that might have happened, and then the general situation of my life).

The TeSi is strong in one area or the other as it's at INFj personality like SeFi at INTp's - who is then major weak mainly at SeTi. The first two pairs are like the right hand and the next two pairs like the left hand, and those four qualities are that person's personality, the rest being upside down (FiNe vs. NeFi - my feelings vs. others' feelings to put it simply) or not normally connected to N/S (changing those - or/and the places of the pairs - will start to change the personality, while there are other ways too like expanding the area of Se/Ne or getting them or the F/T closer. What and in what way we see and understand - from those [dis]abilities - are dependent of our four pairs that are all conscious to us, the rest being more or less unconscious - more or less we are not aware of them). It might be better to have Se/Ne than Si/Ni (though I don't like missing Fe - it's e.g. warm like life - Te [a part of good ability], while I am not missing Ni for sure, and the need of Si can be covered enough my being an S [though nothing to match missing TeSi FeNi [FeNi is life] for example], and if needed, one can live without Ne and without Se and enjoy the life of Si, and the Ni support to Te or Fe, like at ESFj and ESTj), though one might need to take care of not suffering from SeFi if things are not good enough at that area.

While outside/'outside' it could be EP - with this 'mind dropping' - actually started more or less to dominate about half a year before as SeFi pop up but still more with 'dropping' - I am more at outside world than before, and I got more already with Brahma Awareness, and before that with W&C, so this is a big factor, while as Enlightened I just might not fully fit into these categories similarly, but I still rate to fit. EP is not that good for me because of my current SeFi problem, while I am not at the moment thinking I could have a better personality there, but that's a matter of the current needs and doings), instead of at NiTe as I would have before as an INTp, so this is one of the most clear (though SeFi happened first though its first appearance was half a year earlier) changes from 'dropping' the mind (plus the middle channel and the additional - extra or change - growth in the head and the better balance). I don't have all that defined personality group at the moment (I am pretty sure I will in a way remain an INTp, knowing this from my abilities though at later age - 37 - and with all these enlightenments I also have more Se and more F(e/i) than I used to have, while I might be more at F [especially if one keeps 'dropping the mind'], and S, but still my abilities, talents, stay the same as when an INTp, though it might not stay so for 100 years, and the new Place is at effect immediately. It just remains to be seen what's the most fitting Place for me). I think my 'Fe' feelings are what are good (from being an INTp) but this (that I have also heart problems with and an uncomfort reason for often liking to be at Fe instead, when at home, more so alone) is about 'Fi' feelings; 'Se' is about extroverted sensing.

The above is the situation I faced and I am still facing (4.x months). It has the middle age for it and the meaninglessness that's still there, just a bit differently as it was 1st mostly connected to social lacks I might see. There are many things to middle age (plus losing parents, and the lacks of one's social life) and one is the stopping of the future (I might have some 35 decent years left [sure it's clear it's all over, considering my last 10 years that went faster than I could see], though getting older and older on the process, that's one problem in the face of others I see, that one should be able to digest but for many it doesn't seem to happen, so might be something one gets somewhat used to but needs to suffer the rest of one's life). At middle age - in my case 37 in this case - one sees the younger people - even just 7-10, or even 5 years younger - really young, it being clear one is not young anymore, while one does not see the older people old anymore, but just as humans, no age. Then about the social life that's somehow connected to the 'vast emptiness' on the meaninglessness problem, there's nostalgic feeling from here and there about the past and what's not here now, the lose of warm, close, live human contacts, that's then also together with losing parents for example, and the more or less social emptiness of one's life, and the life that has about ended already, while if there would be warm and complete social contacts and the life would have a meaning or at least feel meaningful (the final awakening seems to be to 'vast emptiness', no meaning), the getting older and the death (that's still unsolved, so remains to be a problem) would be more or less easy to accept. The meaningless is that all is empty, there being nothing but emptiness all around, and that's meaninglessness. The last awakening to that happens when the separation from the meaningfulness feeling coming from the pleasure/pain of f-actions is seen, though in those f-actions the feeling of meaningfulness more or less is there, but out of it it's emptiness, and that's hard to tolerate, like being alone, lonely more or less was and is, them being somehow related. All this happened when the heart faced the SeFi world together with old parents for example. So, I figure the SeFi needs a meaning to its life like any other personality function, and is the driving force in its needs or so, the meaning as well as people out there being under the same SeFi view.

The biggest problem is the meaninglessness as one needs a motive to have a meaningful life, but there's none in vast emptiness (until one gets so used to life at it that it somehow feels so much at ease that one feel considerably less meaninglessness or feels lack of action instead, but it remains to be seen - if not in this life then in some other in case there's any - what this meaninglessness that feels absolutely horrible even as a minor notion is going to become - it's in a way more horrible than worst loneliness or lack of warm social contacts nostalgic related to losing/death, though they too feel horrible, even more so, but meaninglessness is something so much existentially deep as it's about the whole future while nostalgic stuff etc. are just loses, not something one can lose one's entire meaningfull future from] or too much lack of action of what one or one's system can handle at the moment), there only being all those feelings one gets in actions (and any greeds that also give feelings of there being some meaning, because one is aiming to achieve something, but that's not the meaning, just something), that give one a feeling of Life (and one needs enough of those, also from social life, to feel it enough, as any lack shows more or less the vast emptiness, that feels horrible at one point), but they come from Deities as they tell what they feel from pleasure to pain; what's the meaning in that? So, there's emptiness and then those f-phenomenons (and mind greeds) in that empty space, but one can't all see here that those f-actions are enough to fill the meaning of life, not for the reason, just for the emotions. Is it that life really is so meaningless, that all there are are those f-action pleasures? And why is it that one can't be at ease at vast emptiness, or can one be, like forever, just being at void, no feeling of meaninglessness, just being there at ease, having at least one's own presence there, and maybe dreams of coming f-actions that give a feeling of meaningfulness to this empty moment. Can't know yet all of it, and there's not much life left in this life to come to know it completely or at all, though I will get still wiser here as I see more.

But at the core what's the question, it's asking if the pleasures are enough to give one a permanent feeling of meaningfulness; it doesn't rationally, or does it; I while ago was thinking that if one becomes a feeling oriented, then maybe it's enough and that's what I need to be and become. While the feeling of meaninglessness might disappear, then no feeling of meaningfulness is really needed, or as there's f-action and greeds, there seems to be the feelings of meaningfulness, so the lack will be felt (at least now) as meaninglessness, while that is also connected to social lacks and nostalgic feeling about warm human relation, and human life in general, and all other things mentioned. So, what's still missing here is more experience and maybe then together with analyses, a more or less complete answers about all things can be given, and I am sure there are the right answers, and then it's much easier to be at ease with these problems, even if the answers are not what one wants, though I rate to be somewhat positive about them, even if I have to see the next life or more before I will feel at relative ease about these things. And then we will need the answers to the question if there is some sort of life for us after the death, the rebirth for example as I and others so generally think, but we do not know for sure, and we will need to know at some point, though it's not critical as whatever happens happens, it making no difference to that happening if we know it or not, other than the possibility of rebirth not being there, would change quite a few things, as much of what I do in this life is based to view that the next life starts immediately after this ends. But the most important question (to me) now, is the existential feeling of meaning, that's the biggest need for me, while there are those other problems mentioned, that also need to be good, so that the SeFi heart can feel at ease, finally putting my whole being from any major parts at complete ease.

But together with meaninglessness, I am suffering from social lacks, and then the loses of parents, other people, my younger life, and the coming lose of what's remaining; all together the lack of enough meaning in my life, that from one part I need to do something about, and from the other part understand it, and from one part build to myself a meaningful future also; the present as well as the future, so there will be enough elements for me not to feel meaninglessness, while now there is as this is a new space in my life in many ways, so it just doesn't rate to be ready yet to its demands, and getting used to it, and to the many loses of this and the general situation, and learn to understand everything here. But at least I know there's a logical answer to all these problems, that then also will tell what to do about them, and that's the best one can manage. But I still do not have all the answers, so can't produce the complete answer either, but at least I will have the satisfaction of (not only that my loads will decrease and I am getting better as time goes, that's as a whole the main motivation why I am aiming to live more or less as long as I stay alive, though that's not satisfactory from the point of the present feeling of meaningfulness, and the complete future) knowing that I am getting wiser and/or adjusted here, though hoping it won't be too much pain ahead, and that I get wise enough as fast as possible, and preferably so that I will forever be wise about it (maybe likely just more so, nothing complete), or at least that something happens to that meaninglessness, or at least that things get on track in this new Place. When it comes to SeFi, they both are the weakest and generally the most covered (by other functions) parts for an INTp, his unconscious and the least developed parts, his nightmare as some have said about anyone's weakest function(s), while this sort of changes are also from some parts known to happen when people get at middle age.